dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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