there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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