When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
