Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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