wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Come share oat with me in your robe
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
