What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
