HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
