i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
