So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
