I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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