I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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