im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
