I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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