i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
