people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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