I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
