I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
