i think my tv is drunk
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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