I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize