my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Welp...herpes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
