Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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