Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got inside last night via doggy door
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize