I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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