i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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