Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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