I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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