Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you will always have a special place in my vag
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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