How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
