Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
