believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
