I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Im part way to drunk.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
