I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
