The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My life is pants optional.
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