Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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