I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
