I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
