btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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