Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
