All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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