I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
