I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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