its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
