Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize