The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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