I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
