Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
