I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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