Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
