The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
sex in a hospital.. check
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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