Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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