so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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