i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
