I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this just has baby written all over it
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize