I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
