You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
