Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
