she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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