why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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