No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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