Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
