just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
