Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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