And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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