Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
