i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
