My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
