Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
